Tuesday, October 12, 2010

A history of theology in the context of lawn-mowing.

So I was cutting the grass this evening and pondering what various theologians would say if they were faced with the task of snipping the glumes. Here is the product of my discoveries:

Benny Hinn: I speak to this lawn now and I claim the promises and I tell it to be mowed! (With credit to Acidri for developing the concept of Word-Faith lawn-mowing)

Ben Witherington III: I know that God has justified me by grace and all that, but He actually expects me now to mow this lawn and to do a good job, or I'll pay for it on judgment day.

John Agricola: Christ is the end of the law, so I'll skip this job and do something fun!

Martin Luther: No matter how cheerfully and skillfully I mow this lawn, it is still a damnable and unworthy work!

John Calvin: I will mow this lawn, but I can never really be sure that I was the man for the job.

Menno Simons: Whose the freak that let this sward grow so long? Excommunication time.

Irenaeus: The whole process; trimming, bagging, dumping, weed-wacking...the whole of it will recapitulate the general situation of all lawn-mowers out there.

Ben Myers: Isn't Karl Barth just fantastic?!!!

Jim West: Take care of it yourself Doris! I'm malgabbing on my blog!

Thomas Aquinas: Aut viam inveniam aut faciam! Causa latet, vis est notissima.

Reginald of Piperno: You're right Thomas. All of your work thus far really has been straw.

Marcion: The previous lawn-mower was an evil s.o.b. Fortunately we can now justify a replacement.

Velentinus: From the mystery of the Ogdoad and Duodecad comes an aeon who can rescue us from the material evil of this chore!

Gerhard Von Rad: There is both 'eine Wiese mähen' and 'Heil-eine Wiese mähen'!

Rudolf Bultmann: This grass made such a profound impression on the neighborhood. I admit that it was ripped up and burned, but what really matters is that it lives on in the witness of those who first beheld it.

Karl Barth: Nelly, there is no talk of must here. You may mow the lawn.

Renate Kobler: Hold on, aren't you forgetting Charlotte Kirschbaum? She submitted to this patriarchal swinery as well.

Suzanne Selinger: To be honest, the only realistic response I can make to the subject of any woman having to do this sheit is anger.

Tom Wright: Forget the way it's been done for the past 2,000 years. What we really need is a fresh perspective on lawn care. All of us can take part in putting the world to rights if we keep the grass trimmed my way. Not Luther's way. MY WAY.

Pelagius: I'm sure thankful all those fella's from the New Perspective on Paul are here to help me. Even though I don't need their help. Really. I don't.

Kierkegaard: Through the crisis of my subjective existential sweating I can perceive the objectivity of my work!

Danish peasant: Your mow-job objectively sucks!

Kierkegaard: Leap of faith bro. Blind. Leap. Of. Faith.

Richard Foster: If I center myself appropriately, even cutting the grass can become a sacrament!

Hans Kung: Infallible Lawn-mowing? A Critique.

Schleiermacher: When I smell the grass and hear the humming of the motor and see the beauty of the shrubberies, my feeling of absolute despondence transforms into an experience of inner connection to the nexus of yardwork that unites us all.

Melchior Hoffman: I'd like to. Really, I would. But I'm in prison on charges of blasphemy and sedition.

Arius: Lawn-trimmers simply cannot be the Master of the house. They are lesser beings.

Emil Brunner: I'm really starting to think there's a point of contact here somewhere.

Karl Barth: Nein! From Italy with love (p.s. enjoy the chores suckaaa!)

Pope Leo: Exsurge Lawne Mowere!

Yoder: Don't get the idea that this job has no ramifications for the rest of the world!

John Piper: Even this pathetically menial, wretched, jejune, banal, fetid task can become a discipline of joy!

Scofield: Sure I'll mow the lawn......in a million years! AHAHAHAHA.

Jack Van Impe: Screw that, its gonna be today!!! Its gonna be today!!!!

Immanuel Kant: I will not replace that divet unless I can also will that my maxim become a universal law of divet-replacement.

Sartre: The Being-For-Itself has been confronted by the hell of the existence of another being-for-itself (ahem....Simone) which has given the Look that signifies its concrete demand that the lawn be mowed. The Being-For-Itself is confronted by the facticity of its being, plunged into the nausea of the knowledge of its powerlessness to say whether or not it shall will to obey this demand in the future.

Heidegger: Being-in-the-midst-of-the-world blows chunks. Where's a good Jew when you need one?!

Richard Dawkins: Unless I have scientific proof that there is someone behind this job, I won't do it. I'll even write whole books against doing it.

Christopher Hitchins: All lawn-mowers are noisy and violent. Therefore God does not exist.

Sam Harris: [Insert random, mind-numbing pseudo-intellectual balbutiations]

Edit: With thanks to Kim Fabricius for alerting me as to what Bill Clinton has to say: That was one fine mow-job.

An excellant addition, Mr. Fabricius.


Acidri's Blog said...

Lawn care at its best. Thanks Mark especially for "Take care of it yourself Doris!". Now Wait till Jim mows that!

Emerson Fast said...

Thanks Michael :)

I forgot to add that the very first one was practically your idea! Remember that convo we had about pentcostalism and lawn-care a few weeks back?