Wednesday, November 24, 2010

What you can give me for Christmas!

Yes friends,

Christmas is coming around the bend. I won't be like those selfish prats who snidely think that the Heavenly Father has no time or desire to give good gifts to His children. Did you hear that you sober teachers of the Word? God does not just supply our needs. He supplies our wants. He does this because (believe it or not!) He is actually less stuck up and un-loving than our earthly parents, who-twisted as they are- still love to sustain us with more than our simple needs. After enough pestering my dad agreed to my wishes and installed a hot tub in the backyard. What a fricking sweet hot tub! It even has a waterfall! So who am I to say that the Lord of Lords, who decks whole mountain ranges with waterfalls and all manner of good and luxurious things, would say," Yes Marc, your earthly father would do these things for you. But I am less generous. I care to vamp up clods of dust you know as the Rocky Mountains with treasures you cannot even fathom, but take heed in your requests with me. Be sure to only ask for things like bread or the healing of your neighbor's arthritis, and I may or may not answer you."


I'm no prosperity punk. Who needs a stupid leer jet or a million dollars in the bank or a few botox injections to go with ones designer clothing? This stuff is all rotten garbage. I'm after spiritual treasures like a conscience that bursts with peace and assurance, or a courage in the face of death and old age, and wisdom that would silence the wise men of the east. I want a wife of noble character who is simultaneously fricking gorgeous like Abigail the wife of David or Rachel the wife of Jacob. I want to see whole neighborhoods around me come to everlasting salvation in Christ and stand before him robed in effervescent glory and splendor, utterly blameless and full of a joy that would make the heavens tremble. But anyways, enough about me. On to the main content of my post: what you can do for me.

This Christmas, if you find it within yourself to give me a gift, save your money and your creative ideas and give me something that lasts. Give me your prayers. Seriously. They are so valuable it is not even funny. They change me. They make me into the image of Christ. They work wonders.

A few things I am really desirous for this Christmas are:

1. Assurance of salvation. I've doubted that I will go to heaven since I was a little boy. I think it is high time to send this disposition packing. I want to live my life confident that Jesus knows me, that I am not deceived, and that I will be welcomed into everlasting glory on that great day. This request trumps all of the others in the degree to which I desire it.

2. Reconciliation with all of the people who hold things against me. It is a mighty precious thing to live in peace with everyone. Since I am an irritable jerk this is often not the case. Pray for a change in my rude behavior and that all of the people who are angry with me would be able to forgive me, and I them.

3. The ability to face death without an ounce of fear or sorrow, but excitement. This promise is given to Christians for appropriation (Heb.2:14-15).

4. To emulate more of Christ's character and less of the character of evil.

5. *Yes, a wife of noble character who is simultaneously fricking gorgeous.* My name is Mark Regier, and I have a little something called a sex drive. And I am more than eager to put this sex drive to some good matrimonial use. Plug your nose and gag all you want. Rest assured that I am equally disgusted by your sexuality. There should only be one person with a sex drive on this earth: me. And the fricking gorgeous wife of noble character, that is ;)

6. Love for Jesus. Best gift ever! You have no idea how fricking rich life can be if you are in love with the Maker of heaven and earth. It brings tears to my eyes and shivers just thinking about it. Unfortunately I don't have it. My behavior leans more towards hatred of Jesus than love. I wanna love this guy like there is no tomorrow. Your prayers would accomplish this.

If you pray a selection of these for me...keep it to yourself. Don't tell anyone. Do it in private, and you will be utterly blown away by the results which most certainly will come at the very perfect moment of time, since God's timing is flawless and apt. I will also be eternally indebted to you.

No comments: